You might experience physical reactions like a faster heart rate, tense muscles, and rapid or shallow breathing. [1] X Research source Mentally, you might start losing focus, feeling anxious, panicky or overwhelmed, or feel like you can’t control your thoughts. Slow down and focus on one element of your body’s reaction at a time. For example, if you’re suddenly feeling anxious, notice what that feels like in your body: “My heart is beating very fast. My palms feel sweaty. ” Acknowledge and accept these feelings as they are, rather than judging them. [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
To try this technique, first place one hand on your chest and the other below your rib cage. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose for a count of 4. Feel your lungs and abdomen expand as you fill them with air. Hold the breath for 1 or 2 seconds, then slowly release the breath through your mouth. Aim for 6-10 deep breaths per minute. [4] X Research source If a full 4-count is difficult for you, you can start with a 2-count and work your way up with practice. Just try to make your breaths as deep and even as you can.
Grounding exercises use most or all of your 5 senses to help root you in the present moment. Speaking aloud is especially important, as it shifts your brain away from your emotions. Coming back into your body and focusing on the present moment can help ground you and stop your emotional spiral. For example, look around and describe aloud what you see. Listen for any sounds you can hear, and state those aloud as well. Notice the smells in the area, and see if you can taste anything on your tongue. You might say, “The carpet and walls are different shades of blue, and the wall art is abstract with blues, reds, grays, and white. I can smell coffee brewing in the break room, as well as the smell of old file folders. " Take notice of what it feels like to be sitting in your chair or holding your coffee mug. Notice how your clothes feel, if any muscles are sore or tense. You can focus on something as simple as your hands being in your lap. Brew a cup of hot tea and focus on the sensation of drinking it in this moment. How does the cup feel? How does it smell? How does it taste? Describe it aloud to yourself. Describe a painting aloud, listing as many details as possible. Carry an essential oil blend to smell when you feel stressed. Let the scent overtake you, and speak aloud about what you like about the scent.
If you’re having trouble relaxing your body, try a method like progressive muscle relaxation, or PMR. You’ll systematically tense and release your muscles in groups, starting at your toes and working upwards. Falling back on a set method like this can be useful when you can’t focus on finding specific areas of tension.
Your safe place could be a beach, a spa, a temple, or your bedroom—any place where you feel safe and relaxed. Think about the sounds you hear there, the things you’ll see, and even the smells and textures. If you can’t close your eyes or completely visualize your safe place, try to picture it quickly. Remind yourself of that calm, centered feeling and take a couple deep, quiet breaths. If you’re experiencing a negative emotion while you visualize, imagine it as a physical object that you can remove from your safe place. For example, your stress could be a pebble that you can throw away, imagining your stress leaving your body as you do so.
You can also create a digital version of your happy book with photos, memes, inspirational quotes, gifs, etc. that make you feel good.
For example, ask yourself what about taking a major exam is making you so stressed. It might have a big influence on your future, or you feel like you have to do well to impress your family. At the root of your nerves might be a fear that your family’s love depends on your success. Naming your emotions is actually a skill you may not have learned. Fortunately, you can use exercises from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help yourself learn to name your emotions. Here’s a great exercise to try: https://www. dbtselfhelp. com/What_Skills. pdf Remember that no emotion is “wrong. ” Telling yourself not to feel something is a way of hurting yourself even more. Instead, notice the emotion without passing judgment. Accept that the emotion is natural and let yourself feel it. Imagine your emotion as a character who holds that emotion. Then, trace the emotion back to its root cause. Identifying and naming the true feelings behind your emotional turmoil gives you control over them. Now that you can identify the emotion for what it is, you know that it’s just a feeling, and that it doesn’t have to have any real power over you.
For example, you might call a friend to vent or write out your thoughts in a journal. If you’re feeling upset, you might take a moment alone to cry. If you feel the emotion in your body, such as with anger, stress, or envy, you might need to do something physical to work it out. You might go for a short walk or do yoga poses.
Instead of ruminating about trouble at work by thinking, “Why am I so bad at my job?”, make a list of things that you can address. You might talk with your boss about how to increase your productivity, ask someone more experienced for help, or start trying different stress-management techniques. Work to accept the things that your own efforts can’t address. Letting go of the idea that you need to “fix” or “control” every element of a situation is a way to liberate yourself from stress and emotional turmoil. [9] X Research source
Think about what your moral principles are. What do you want the outcome of this situation to be? What is the decision you’d be most proud of? Then, ask yourself which course of action is the most likely to result in the outcome you want. For example, if someone insults you, you could do nothing, respond aggressively, or firmly tell them to stop. Ask yourself how you want this situation to end, and how to get there without compromising the things you believe in.
Refusing to listen to negative feedback Making excuses for failures Passing blame Crossing your arms to shut people out Smiling and nodding to get the person to stop talking Listing reasons why you’re right without talking to others Ignoring feedback from others Using sarcasm or criticism of others to deflect from criticism about yourself
For instance, let’s say your sister makes you angry every time you see her. Before the next family gathering, you might engage in relaxing self care before you go, then plan how you will take breaks from your sister throughout the day. You might make plans with another relative to go do something, or you might plan to leave and pick up a dish. Limit how much time you spend with her, and plan a way to leave early, if necessary.
When you feel ready to address them, first calmly tell them what you’re feeling. Say something like, “I get frustrated when I feel like you’re just trying to get a rise out of me. ” Then, address the issue at hand and ask them for their thoughts on it, then listen and respond to what they’re saying. For example, you could say, “Let’s actually talk about the issue here, which is trying to finish this project on time. What ideas do you have?”
For example, you might get bothered when your spouse regularly doesn’t do the dishes. Instead of starting an argument, challenge yourself to do the dishes yourself, then politely ask your spouse if they could help. If this sounds difficult, start is by changing one small thing at a time. Instead of yelling at your spouse, tell them how you feel in a more neutral voice. If this is still too hard, walk away and take a 5 minute break. Eventually, you can work your way towards changing your reaction for good. [13] X Research source
For example, if you’re on a committee at work that includes people who are unfocused, you might get upset when attending the meetings. One strategy for dealing with this frustration is to ask to be re-assigned to a different committee.
For example, if a friend invites you to a party, you could say: “Thank you for thinking of me! I really don’t like big crowds, though, so I’ll pass this time. How about we meet up for coffee instead?” This allows you to express your feelings instead of keeping them inside and letting them control you.
For example, instead of saying “You don’t care about me,” you could try: “I felt hurt when you didn’t call me back when you said you would. What happened?”
When you share your opinion, for example, follow it up with something like: “What are your thoughts on this?”
For example, instead of thinking “My partner should never hurt my feelings,” you can try reminding yourself that it wasn’t personal, and that you both make mistakes. If you realize you’re being hard on yourself, show yourself kindness and compassion. For example, if you’re thinking something like “I should’ve studied for this test more. I’m going to fail,” change it to “I studied hard and I’m as prepared as I could be. No matter what happens, I’ll be fine. ”
Listening to soothing music. Petting a dog or cat. In addition to focusing your senses, studies have shown that regular interaction with a loved pet can reduce depression. [20] X Research source Going for a quiet walk, focusing on the beauty of your surroundings. Taking a warm bath or hot shower. Physical warmth relaxes and soothes most people. [21] X Research source Eat your favorite food and savor the taste.
Placing your hand over your heart. Feel your heart beating, the rising and falling of your chest, and the warmth of your skin. Repeat some positive words to yourself, such as “I am worthy of love” or “I am good. ” Giving yourself a hug. Cross your arms over your chest and place your hands on your upper arms, squeezing yourself securely. Repeat a positive phrase, such as “I love myself. ” Cup your face with your hands, like you would for a child or a loved one, and stroke your face with your fingers. Repeat a few words of kindness to yourself, such as “I am beautiful. I am kind. ”
I will not always feel this way, and this feeling will pass. My thoughts and feelings are not facts. I do not have to act on my emotions. I am okay in this moment, even though it’s uncomfortable. Emotions come and go, and I have been able to get through this in the past.
Think about how conflict was handled in your family while you were growing up. Did your parents show or hide their emotions? Were certain emotions “off-limits”? What emotion is most uncomfortable for you, and how did your family handle it?[28] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source You can also think about turning points in your life, such as a divorce, a death, or a major change like moving homes or losing a job. What emotions did you feel, and how did you react to them?
For example, feelings of not being good enough might show up as “disqualifying the positive” thinking: if somebody says something good about you, it doesn’t count, but if they say something bad about you, you “knew it all along. " Challenge this by noticing all the things you do right in your life. Emotional turmoil caused by fear might manifest as a tendency to jump to conclusions, when you make a negative judgment even though there aren’t any facts to back it up. Challenge this way of thinking by stopping yourself at each step and examining the evidence for your conclusions. No matter what other complex negative emotions you uncover, you can challenge almost all of them by asking yourself what the unbiased truth is and showing yourself compassion.
Use your journal to recognize your emotions, vent about things you feel bad about, show yourself compassion, think about the causes of certain emotional responses, and take responsibility and control of your feelings. Ask yourself questions in your journal entries, such as: How am I feeling right now? Do I think anything happened to provoke this response? What do I need when I feel this way? Have I felt this way before?
Practice replacing permanent statements with flexible ones. For example, if you’re stressed over an exam, you might assume that it’s no use studying because you’re going to fail anyways. Instead of assuming that you can’t improve, reframe your thoughts to something like, “I’ll make extra flash cards and join a study group. I may not ace the test, but I’ll know I did my best. ” Looking at the experience as something that can be changed with a little effort makes you more likely to succeed.
Difficulty regulating your emotions can sometimes be an indicator of a more serious problem, such as past abuse or trauma, or it can be the sign of a disorder such as depression.
